I was bone-tired, that is true. I
hadn’t slept more than 4 hours at a time in three days. But the weekend was successful, plus my car
was in the shop getting fixed, so I figured that I could just get on with my life normally now. I
went home on Saturday after the workshop and slept 11 hours.
The funny thing was that on Sunday, I still felt a little tired. Well, maybe it will take me
a few days to catch up on my rest, I thought. But later in the day, I noticed that my nose was starting
to run and I had a painful sinus headache. Oh great, allergies. Just what I
By Monday morning, I was
a vistern of snot. My throat was sore and my head was throbbing. I did the one thing
that I really don’t like to do, the one thing that I leave only as a last resort, when things get REALLY bad and I simply
must have some relief….I took some allergy medicine. Just one pill, and the non-drowsy kind at that
(or so they say…personally, I think it makes me feel like I am sleepy & speeding at the same time, but I least
I can breathe). I washed that down with a few Ibuprofens, because something had to STOP that hammering
on my head.
As much as I hate putting pharmaceuticals
of any kind into my body, I have to admit that this really did help me feel better. I was able to go on
about my day and enjoyed hanging out with Charles doing readings on my “Mystic Messenger” oracle kit, and visiting
White Dove Bookstore before I dropped him off at the airport.
That was on Monday afternoon. This marked the true end to my “weekend fundraiser” and
I was finally free to get on with life as usual. Or so I thought.
After I came back home from the airport, my allergies began to get consistently worst. I could still
breathe thanks to the clariton I had taken (thank god), but my throat was getting sorer (always a sensitive point on my body)
and it seemed I was producing the equivalent of my own body weight in mucus. Plus, I was just so very tired. So
I slept some more.
Luckily, I had already planned on taking
most of this week off to recover from the fundraiser. But now I was recovering from allergies too (not
to mention the shock of the repair bill for my car). I knew there was something larger at work here than
what I could see on the surface, since quite frankly, nothing could suck this bad without having some kind of redeeming benefit
buried somewhere inside.
I also knew that there
was probably still some deep level emotional stuff going on inside of me, because it always seems that when I have a runny
nose or itchy eyes, it is an outer manifestation of inner crying. I just didn’t know *what*
I could possibly be crying-on-the-inside about. (I cried so much when Brian moved to Lakin last fall that
I had a hard time believing there were any tears left inside of me at all.)
I was also aware that I was *resisting* my inner voice in some way, which is why my throat was hurting so badly.
It was like the Inner Voice was trying to communicate something important to me, but I just couldn’t let myself
hear it. So I spent a lot of time just sleeping for the next few days, hoping that I could get
clear & replenished enough to hear the message that was trying to come through and to release whatever emotions I was
still hanging on to.
On Wednesday I had
a complimentary telephone session with a person whom I was considering hiring as a business mentor. Actually,
this was one of my resolutions for 2009…to meet and hire a business mentor. My reasoning in wanting
this is because I really would like to get the message of spiritual light & inspiration out to even MORE people, plus
honestly, I would also like to make more money.
I felt that I had reached the limitations of what I could achieve with my own knowledge, and that maybe if I hired
someone a little bit further down the path than me, then I could get more of the results that I had been wanting in the time
frame that I wanted them (can you hear the voice of the Ego talking here?). In other words, things weren’t
happening as fast as I wanted them to, and I thought if I just threw a little bit of money at this “problem”,
I could speed things up (how arrogant & naïve of me).
To make a very long story short, I hired & un-hired a mentor all in a few short hours, and I finally came
to see (again) that the only way I am going to go to “the next level” of abundance & success is by letting
Spirit (God) take me there, instead of trying to manipulate, scheme, or “hard work” my way to the top.
In other words, to get to the next level, I am going to have to TRUST God to take care of me. Oh
man. This is a biggie.
felt like I was finally starting to get the message, but quite frankly, I was also a little frustrated & discouraged.
Even though I knew that I “should” trust God to take care of this for me, and even though intellectually
I know that Spirit (in its totality) is so much more powerful & effective than just little ol’ me (who is but a
piece of Spirit), I was still having problems wrapping my brain around this, especially in regards to this particular
area of life.
I mean, it’s really *hard* for
me to imagine someone else taking care of something for me, as I’ve always been the one to take care of other people,
even when I was young. And quite honestly, I’ve also always taken care of myself, even when I was
It’s not like I’m a martyr or anything, I certainly
will accept help when it’s offered, and I even hired an assistant for the first time last year. However,
to be told that I must rely on someone else to achieve what I want (even if that someone is God), to come to the
point where I realize that what needs to be done is beyond my power entirely, and that I have to count on a Higher Power,
well, let’s just say that this was quite unsettling to me.
So even though I had started to “get” the message, I was still resisting. I
felt tired, beaten down and frustrated, so I went to take a shower to help me loosen up a little. In the
shower, I kept going over a whole litany of questions in my mind, struggling with the idea of how anything was going to get
done if it wasn’t up to me to do it. I sensed the futileness in this line of inner questioning, so
after a few minutes I just gave up and resigned myself to the idea that whatever was going to happen was going to happen,
and that there was nothing further I could do about it. (Yes, I was feeling more than a little sorry for myself.)
A moment later, I clearly heard a very loud and booming voice say to me, “Are you
yanked me out of my self-pity party. At first I thought that I was hallucinating, for although I am accustomed
to hearing my guides speak to me, this was not a voice or a tone I recognized. I looked around the room
to see if anyone else was there. I appeared to be alone.
Again, the voice said to me, “Are you done yet?” I
knew in that moment what it meant, and I also knew that it was the voice of God itself. I had fallen off
the spiritual bandwagon so completely that God Itself had to ask me if I was done resisting & feeling sorry for myself
yet. With a deep sigh I answered, “Yes, I am”.
This is when the true
healing began. I felt a deep wave of unconditional love and acceptance wash over me, and in that moment, I just *let
go* and stopped "trying" so hard. Instantly, I felt better about everything. The next morning,
I had a HUGE emotional release where I discovered that I was still pissed off at God/The Universe for the many hardships I
endured during my childhood. Once again, I felt & heard the Voice of God there with me, patiently
reassuring me, helping me to release the anger of my inner child that had been stored up all these years.
Again, a great sense of RELIEF washed over me, as I realized I didn't have to face this all on my own, and as I "let
go", and allowed God and my angel-teacher-guides heal me, instead of trying to heal myself.
Ever since "The Voice"
came to me, I have been accessing deeper & deeper levels of psychic awareness, and my channeling experience has become
more profound too. I'm more relaxed, and I don't feel like I have to be in a hurry to accomplish anything. In
fact, I don't feel like "I" have to accomplish anything at all. Now, it seems more like everything I do
of value is simply the Spirit of God moving through me.
This is what it truly takes
to access your spiritual psychic abilities & affect a true healing within yourself…a state of pure receptivity
and surrender, non-resistance to what is flowing through you, and openness to the guidance of your angel-teacher-guides, and
the Spirit of Life itself. In other words, you have to be *teachable* and open, and you also have to be
willing to stop doing things your “own damn way” and start following “Heaven’s” suggestion as
to how to get things done. When you open
like this, truly open, your life will change PROFOUNDLY.
I know that I will never be the same again after this experience. Even as I am writing this I can
feel a trembling in my fingertips and a space that has opened up inside of me. I feel a little bit “wobbly”
and “weak”, the way one often feels after she has endured something tremendous and come out the other side.
And yet, I feel relieved too, and possibly more spiritually open than I have in two years or more.
I am aware of the presence of my angel teacher guides here. I can tell that they are aware that I am in a very vulnerable,
delicate state. They are literally holding me up, and I can feel the presence of God itself, cradling me
in its strong and beautiful hand.
And I can also feel
the presence of my totems all around, from the upper world, dozens and dozens of beating wings of geese and swan swirling
around me. From the lower world, I feel the spirit of jaguar, cougar, wolf, and also cat….cat, not
only in the spirit form, but also in the physical form of my big white cat Juno, who always senses when I am distressed and
comes a little bit closer, standing near but never hovering.
Stop, and take a moment to listen to what is going on inside of you, and just BREATHE. Who do you
feel with you today? What teachers and guides are here comforting & instructing you?
What is the Voice of God saying to you in this moment?